Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
