The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Apparently you make a good broom.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Shame - the story of my life.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
