highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
