the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
