he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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