Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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