Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
