what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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