Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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