So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
