Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
