I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
