Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
