Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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