I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
