just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
