I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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