well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
you will always have a special place in my vag
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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