Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
