Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
