What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
