Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
