i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
