I am puke
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
