Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
