He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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