if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
