Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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