Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
