last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
