How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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