just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
