Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
