my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
