I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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