i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
