I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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