He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
