Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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