I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
