My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
We had to coat check the pizza.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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