His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
