I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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