Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
