So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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