My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
