i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
