Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
