if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
