Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
