dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
